As I stood in the garage parking lot of my friend's apartment in Brickell, I looked out at the city. I breathed in the air and it smelled just like the city air of Boston. The skyline does not look anything like Boston's but in that instant that I took that breath, I was taken back to my many nights in downtown Boston. In just seconds a thousand images of times shared with my college friends flooded my brain. They were all happy memories including my biggest heartbreak.
It was then that I realized that I do not think my heart will ever be happy. I constantly live in the past and in the future. I always compare what I currently have to what I used to have. I cannot fully enjoy the great things that are occurring. It's like I have a delayed reaction. I am showered with genuine love and joy, but in the moment I cannot appreciate it because I am dwelling on a past hurt. Yet at the same time I am preparing for a future let down. That I am not even sure will happen. Finally the next day it all becomes clear and I am happy, but then I want more.
I am tired of the consistent inconsistency. My heart is in it already. I believe it is real. I want to leave the past in the past. I want to live the present, but with the promise of a future.
Maybe I have this all wrong...maybe this isn't what I want. What do I want? I know what I don't want.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
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