As I ran today at the gym, this homosexual man totally caught my eye. I know it may sound terrible that I quickly label him as gay without him assuring it, but if you saw him you would agree with me. Side note: I totally love and support homosexuals.
Anyway, this man had such a sassy walk on the Treadmill. It almost seemed like he would burst into a "Oh yea...get it girl" and raise one arm as he said this. So I started to wonder what kind of music he was listening to that empowered his walk?I often think about this of the people around me when I am running. What is it that they are listening to, reading or what kind of thoughts do they have that keeps them motivated? That gives them the ammo to keep on going that extra mile or minute.
I'd like to think that Mr. Sassy Man was listening to some empowering music like Cher, Madonna, Shakira or Lady Gaga. The girl next to him was this young blond who ran very fast and was in perfect shape. I'd like to believe her motivation was training for a marathon or just to maintain her nice physique. One time my friend (we'll call her Piu Piu) and I saw this old man walking on a treadmill while he looked at a magazine with half naked girls on it. He particularly spent a longer time looking at a brunette's centerfold. Though we found this to be repulsive, in a way his "motivation" should be respected. It was the image of these beautiful girls that helped him stay healthy.
I have several motivations when I run that flood my mind to keep me going. It rarely is ever one thing. I run because I want to be healthy and I want to lose weight. I want to look good and eventually get back to what my body weight pre-college. Sometimes my motivation is my OCDness in wanting to see that I run a full 2 or 3 miles. I hate seeing Total Distance: 2.96. Or sometimes I want to finish a song. It really irks me to stop running while I am listening to an amazing song. So yea, the appropriate running music is also a good motivator. I run because I want to have a baby in the next few years so I want to be able to gain some baby weight and not have to kill myself to lose it afterwards. I also want to look good for the man I am dating. I know he likes me the way I am, but it's kind of hard to not want to be better when he himself is a health nut. Like any average man his pupils expand when he sees an attractive woman. He was enthralled last night by the Miss Universe pageant and he loves the Dallas Cowboys' cheerleaders. Quite frankly, I look nothing like those women. Nor do I believe that I need to look like that for him to care for me, but as a woman it plants a tiny seed of inadequacy. How do you go from finding that pleasing to the eyes to liking me? I also run because it helps me blow off steam and forget things. It's a time where I can work through things and even dream.
When I dance or do any other kind of class at the gym, I have a completely different drive. I push myself because I want to see my body move in a certain way. I want to be able to hold positions in yoga for a longer period of time. I want to be better than the person next to me. The competitive me comes into play.
So what moves you? What keeps you running?
Monday, August 24, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
3am rambling
As I stood in the garage parking lot of my friend's apartment in Brickell, I looked out at the city. I breathed in the air and it smelled just like the city air of Boston. The skyline does not look anything like Boston's but in that instant that I took that breath, I was taken back to my many nights in downtown Boston. In just seconds a thousand images of times shared with my college friends flooded my brain. They were all happy memories including my biggest heartbreak.
It was then that I realized that I do not think my heart will ever be happy. I constantly live in the past and in the future. I always compare what I currently have to what I used to have. I cannot fully enjoy the great things that are occurring. It's like I have a delayed reaction. I am showered with genuine love and joy, but in the moment I cannot appreciate it because I am dwelling on a past hurt. Yet at the same time I am preparing for a future let down. That I am not even sure will happen. Finally the next day it all becomes clear and I am happy, but then I want more.
I am tired of the consistent inconsistency. My heart is in it already. I believe it is real. I want to leave the past in the past. I want to live the present, but with the promise of a future.
Maybe I have this all wrong...maybe this isn't what I want. What do I want? I know what I don't want.
It was then that I realized that I do not think my heart will ever be happy. I constantly live in the past and in the future. I always compare what I currently have to what I used to have. I cannot fully enjoy the great things that are occurring. It's like I have a delayed reaction. I am showered with genuine love and joy, but in the moment I cannot appreciate it because I am dwelling on a past hurt. Yet at the same time I am preparing for a future let down. That I am not even sure will happen. Finally the next day it all becomes clear and I am happy, but then I want more.
I am tired of the consistent inconsistency. My heart is in it already. I believe it is real. I want to leave the past in the past. I want to live the present, but with the promise of a future.
Maybe I have this all wrong...maybe this isn't what I want. What do I want? I know what I don't want.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I LOVE YOU
For the first time in the past few days, I woke up with energy and feeling cheery, despite my horrible dreams. I think I was so sorrowful yesterday that there were no tears left in me today and the best I could do was just move on.
Today was one of those days that I truly felt God's presence. And if I didn't feel it at the moment I definitely can recognize it now as I reflect on my day. One of the biggest things that occurred today was that God shed some major light on something I need to work on. Anyone that knows me well knows that the thing that I most want in life is to be married and have a beautiful family. I often get discouraged and angry that God is delaying sending me my Joseph or making my Joe aware that I am his Mary. Today I realized that God is not granting me my desire just yet because I am not ready! They way I react to certain things is not the best way in order to be in a healthy loving relationship. Of course this stems from past deep hurts which first need to be healed in order for me to be in a committed and loving relationship. Like my Catholic sis says, at least I am able to recognize these things but I have no idea how to heal. I guess I just have to be open to Him.
As I drove to church from the gym this afternoon, the sky was just perfect. Barely any clouds. I drove with my windows down, I let my hair down and put on some relaxing tunes. As I breathed in the fresh air and basked in the sunset I really felt God was telling me, "I love you Dolo." So powerful!
During the consecration part of the mass the way the priest broke the host it seemed like it was in the shape of a human heart. I couldn't help but smile with utter joy at seeing this. It also made me think of the Eucharistic Miracle in Lanciano, Italy. It's so amazing to get an image of Jesus' heart before actually receiving Him. Another "I love you Dolo"
I am such an ingrate for not seeing and thanking God for the many times He shows/tells me He loves me.
Today was one of those days that I truly felt God's presence. And if I didn't feel it at the moment I definitely can recognize it now as I reflect on my day. One of the biggest things that occurred today was that God shed some major light on something I need to work on. Anyone that knows me well knows that the thing that I most want in life is to be married and have a beautiful family. I often get discouraged and angry that God is delaying sending me my Joseph or making my Joe aware that I am his Mary. Today I realized that God is not granting me my desire just yet because I am not ready! They way I react to certain things is not the best way in order to be in a healthy loving relationship. Of course this stems from past deep hurts which first need to be healed in order for me to be in a committed and loving relationship. Like my Catholic sis says, at least I am able to recognize these things but I have no idea how to heal. I guess I just have to be open to Him.
As I drove to church from the gym this afternoon, the sky was just perfect. Barely any clouds. I drove with my windows down, I let my hair down and put on some relaxing tunes. As I breathed in the fresh air and basked in the sunset I really felt God was telling me, "I love you Dolo." So powerful!
During the consecration part of the mass the way the priest broke the host it seemed like it was in the shape of a human heart. I couldn't help but smile with utter joy at seeing this. It also made me think of the Eucharistic Miracle in Lanciano, Italy. It's so amazing to get an image of Jesus' heart before actually receiving Him. Another "I love you Dolo"
I am such an ingrate for not seeing and thanking God for the many times He shows/tells me He loves me.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
keeping my eyes open
I can't believe I am blogging so late. But my friend Chuwi said I should while it was still fresh in my memory :) I love my Chuwi.
Before I left my house tonight,to go out with some friends, my mom said to me: "abre tus ojitos." I was going to a posh Miami bar and was haning out with a different group of people, so my mom was hopeful I could meet a potential mate. She really wants me to find a boyfriend and settle down ASAP. A part of me wants this too... a large part of me actually.
Keeping my eyes open wasn't really hard since within 10 minutes of being there an attractive young man walked in and sat across from me at the table. I couldn't believe it that my mission would be so easy! This guy looked like a guy my mom would really like. Mr. Whiskey Sour turned out to be a cool guy. He was very talkative which at times made me feel bad because I felt like he was stealing me away from my friends. But at the same time it was very flattering that he was really interested in talking to me. Out of all of the girls at the bar he wanted to talk to me the most. He would even look for me when I would leave his side. Mr. Whiskey Sour didn't care about the girl who put an ice down his shirt as a desperate measure to get his attention. I actually tried giving him a push to go and dance with this chick, but he wouldn't because he was too wrapped up in our convo.
Unfortunately, Mr. Whiskey Sour is not what I am looking for. He is a great conversationalist, smart, attractive, funny and has an endearing accent, but no depth. He is kind of a "good on paper" kind of guy. But I am very appreciative that I met him tonight. I think he served an important purpose. For the first time in a long time, I placed myself out in the dating world. I met a stranger at a bar and we got to pick at each others' brains for a few hours. For the first time I didn't think about him while I interacted with Mr. Whiskey Sour. For the first time I didn't compare Mr. Whiskey Sour to him. I was able to be flirty and yet not over analyze every single word that came out of his mouth. Most importantly, I felt that he couldn't really see inside of me as he looked into my eyes. I felt protected...my heart felt protected. It was something superficial. So this was a good step for me.
But in the end the wrong guy was talking to me...
Before I left my house tonight,to go out with some friends, my mom said to me: "abre tus ojitos." I was going to a posh Miami bar and was haning out with a different group of people, so my mom was hopeful I could meet a potential mate. She really wants me to find a boyfriend and settle down ASAP. A part of me wants this too... a large part of me actually.
Keeping my eyes open wasn't really hard since within 10 minutes of being there an attractive young man walked in and sat across from me at the table. I couldn't believe it that my mission would be so easy! This guy looked like a guy my mom would really like. Mr. Whiskey Sour turned out to be a cool guy. He was very talkative which at times made me feel bad because I felt like he was stealing me away from my friends. But at the same time it was very flattering that he was really interested in talking to me. Out of all of the girls at the bar he wanted to talk to me the most. He would even look for me when I would leave his side. Mr. Whiskey Sour didn't care about the girl who put an ice down his shirt as a desperate measure to get his attention. I actually tried giving him a push to go and dance with this chick, but he wouldn't because he was too wrapped up in our convo.
Unfortunately, Mr. Whiskey Sour is not what I am looking for. He is a great conversationalist, smart, attractive, funny and has an endearing accent, but no depth. He is kind of a "good on paper" kind of guy. But I am very appreciative that I met him tonight. I think he served an important purpose. For the first time in a long time, I placed myself out in the dating world. I met a stranger at a bar and we got to pick at each others' brains for a few hours. For the first time I didn't think about him while I interacted with Mr. Whiskey Sour. For the first time I didn't compare Mr. Whiskey Sour to him. I was able to be flirty and yet not over analyze every single word that came out of his mouth. Most importantly, I felt that he couldn't really see inside of me as he looked into my eyes. I felt protected...my heart felt protected. It was something superficial. So this was a good step for me.
But in the end the wrong guy was talking to me...
Friday, May 8, 2009
Olvidarte
Te dedico algunas palabras de mi poeta favorito...
Olvidarte es mas difícil que encontrarse al sol de noche. Que entender a los políticos o comprar la Torre Eiffel. Mas dificil que fumarse un habano en American Airlines. Mas dificil que una flor plastica marchita. Olvidarte es mas dificil que una flaca en un Botero. Que encontrarse a un gato verde, o a un cubano sin sabor. Mas dificil que Lady Di en la estacion del metro. Olvidarte es tan dificil, olvidarte.
Olvidarte es un intento que no lo deseo tanto, porque tanto es que lo intento que me acuerdo mucho mas. Y he llegado a sospechar que mi afan de no acordarme es lo que me tiene enfermo de recuerdos. Olvidarte es lo que espero para reanudar mi vida. Harto de seguir soñando con la posibilidad de que un dia por error, o pura curiosidad le preguntes a un amigo por mis huesos
- Ricardo Arjona
Olvidarte es mas difícil que encontrarse al sol de noche. Que entender a los políticos o comprar la Torre Eiffel. Mas dificil que fumarse un habano en American Airlines. Mas dificil que una flor plastica marchita. Olvidarte es mas dificil que una flaca en un Botero. Que encontrarse a un gato verde, o a un cubano sin sabor. Mas dificil que Lady Di en la estacion del metro. Olvidarte es tan dificil, olvidarte.
Olvidarte es un intento que no lo deseo tanto, porque tanto es que lo intento que me acuerdo mucho mas. Y he llegado a sospechar que mi afan de no acordarme es lo que me tiene enfermo de recuerdos. Olvidarte es lo que espero para reanudar mi vida. Harto de seguir soñando con la posibilidad de que un dia por error, o pura curiosidad le preguntes a un amigo por mis huesos
- Ricardo Arjona
Thursday, May 7, 2009
angel flying too close to the ground
"Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven."
- Matthew 18:3
It's so easy for me to see the face of Christ in every child I meet. I think this is why I love children so much. They are simple, innocent and they see things in such a remarkable way. As much as we, as adults, can teach and guide children, we can learn many valuable lessons from them.
Tonight I met a wonderful little angel at the hospital whom we will call Jax. Jax suffers, from what I can assume, a neurological disorder. I never really ask what illness the patients have because I do not want to be nosy, and their disease isn't really relevant to my duties and purpose as a volunteer.
Despite Jax having her head wrapped up and a machine monitoring her brain function, she sported a beautiful smile. She kept calling my friend Juju and I beautiful and that we were the prettiest girls she had seen. Her words were so genuine. She told us so much about the different tests that had been done to her, about her family and all her dolls. Jax said that she loved getting MRIs done and she thought brain surgeons were cool. She wants to be a doctor for big people when she grows up. I was amazed at her courage. She is only about 6 yrs old and she is more brave than I am. I hate MRIs! I come close to having panic attacks every time I get one done.
Jax then revealed to Juju and I her source of strength. Drum roll please...God! She showed us this little doll named Hannah that sang a song: Jesus loves me, this I know. For the bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong; they are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. The bible tells me so. Jax sang that song with such enthusiasm and she made Juju and I learn it so we can sing along with her. Her mom told us that Jax had brought that doll with her and she would only listen to that song before going into surgery. I was floored. This little child who was facing such a huge surgery, needed to just listen to this song to be reassured that Jesus was looking over Her. That even though she is weak, she has a Lord who is much stronger than her that was going to take care of her.
Wow...if we could only be more like children.
- Matthew 18:3
It's so easy for me to see the face of Christ in every child I meet. I think this is why I love children so much. They are simple, innocent and they see things in such a remarkable way. As much as we, as adults, can teach and guide children, we can learn many valuable lessons from them.
Tonight I met a wonderful little angel at the hospital whom we will call Jax. Jax suffers, from what I can assume, a neurological disorder. I never really ask what illness the patients have because I do not want to be nosy, and their disease isn't really relevant to my duties and purpose as a volunteer.
Despite Jax having her head wrapped up and a machine monitoring her brain function, she sported a beautiful smile. She kept calling my friend Juju and I beautiful and that we were the prettiest girls she had seen. Her words were so genuine. She told us so much about the different tests that had been done to her, about her family and all her dolls. Jax said that she loved getting MRIs done and she thought brain surgeons were cool. She wants to be a doctor for big people when she grows up. I was amazed at her courage. She is only about 6 yrs old and she is more brave than I am. I hate MRIs! I come close to having panic attacks every time I get one done.
Jax then revealed to Juju and I her source of strength. Drum roll please...God! She showed us this little doll named Hannah that sang a song: Jesus loves me, this I know. For the bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong; they are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. The bible tells me so. Jax sang that song with such enthusiasm and she made Juju and I learn it so we can sing along with her. Her mom told us that Jax had brought that doll with her and she would only listen to that song before going into surgery. I was floored. This little child who was facing such a huge surgery, needed to just listen to this song to be reassured that Jesus was looking over Her. That even though she is weak, she has a Lord who is much stronger than her that was going to take care of her.
Wow...if we could only be more like children.
24
In two weeks I will be turning 24...
This is the first year I am not looking forward to my birthday. I am not quite sure why. I don't have a desire to celebrate my b-day and I haven't even made my wishlist. I usually make a wishlist for my birthday, but tell no one about it and then I wait and see how many of the things I wanted I actually got. It's almost a test of how well my friends and family know me.
All I wanted for my birthday was to take the day off and go to the beach or go to a spa or have a shopping day with mom. But I might be traveling soon so I can't be wasteful with PTO days at work. :/
Last night at group we had a woman come and speak to us about a retreat. She asked if anyone of us desires more from life or from our spiritual life. My hand rushed up in the air because if I can point my finger on any emotion I have been feeling lately it would have to be desire...desire for more. I seek depthness. This woman also said that this retreat is good if you have to make some decisions in your life (i.e. vocation, career path). At least those are the two that stuck out most. As this woman spoke I felt my heart on fire. As if God was saying "D, you gotta go!" So me being obessesed with signs said, "Ok God...if you want me there then have someone go with me. Beacuse I am definitely not going by myself." I didn't think anyone would go because two of my close friends had already been on this retreat and the other two I wasn't sure of. So I figured if He really wanted me there, this would be a good sign. As soon as the lady was done speaking, my friend Chuwi said she'd go. I was elated and surprised.
The retreat is next weekend which would be the weekend I could celebrate my birthday. Which got me thinking...I may not want to do anything for my birthday but God does. So I will celebrate by birthday so to speak by going on a retreat. I am a bit nervous because it's a very reflective retreat based on St. Ignatius of Loyola's spiritual exercises, which means there will be a lot of silence allowing God to speak.
This is the first year I am not looking forward to my birthday. I am not quite sure why. I don't have a desire to celebrate my b-day and I haven't even made my wishlist. I usually make a wishlist for my birthday, but tell no one about it and then I wait and see how many of the things I wanted I actually got. It's almost a test of how well my friends and family know me.
All I wanted for my birthday was to take the day off and go to the beach or go to a spa or have a shopping day with mom. But I might be traveling soon so I can't be wasteful with PTO days at work. :/
Last night at group we had a woman come and speak to us about a retreat. She asked if anyone of us desires more from life or from our spiritual life. My hand rushed up in the air because if I can point my finger on any emotion I have been feeling lately it would have to be desire...desire for more. I seek depthness. This woman also said that this retreat is good if you have to make some decisions in your life (i.e. vocation, career path). At least those are the two that stuck out most. As this woman spoke I felt my heart on fire. As if God was saying "D, you gotta go!" So me being obessesed with signs said, "Ok God...if you want me there then have someone go with me. Beacuse I am definitely not going by myself." I didn't think anyone would go because two of my close friends had already been on this retreat and the other two I wasn't sure of. So I figured if He really wanted me there, this would be a good sign. As soon as the lady was done speaking, my friend Chuwi said she'd go. I was elated and surprised.
The retreat is next weekend which would be the weekend I could celebrate my birthday. Which got me thinking...I may not want to do anything for my birthday but God does. So I will celebrate by birthday so to speak by going on a retreat. I am a bit nervous because it's a very reflective retreat based on St. Ignatius of Loyola's spiritual exercises, which means there will be a lot of silence allowing God to speak.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
